double trouble.

I'm in such a deep funk right now, it should be illegal.
I should have a Masters Degree in self pitying and self loathing by now.

God, why wasn't I born with any self esteem. Are you born with any or is it something that's raised in you or is it something you just earn and build up as you go in life?

Up until yesterday my happy period had been going great. Smiles, laughter, rainbows, flowers, glitter, hearts and unicorns.......all over the place I could've drowned in happy stuff. Everything happy...you could've found by just looking at me. No drugs entered my lips(they never do mind you)...or my nose or just anything for that matter, swear to God and cross my heart.

How do we manage making life so difficult for ourselves?
I'm thinking about making a plan....no I'm not talking about one of those plans where you write nice things on post its and put them up all over your walls.
I won't make me look myself in the mirror every morning and say I'm beautiful out loud! Oh, God no! It might work for some people...but it won't work for me...I'm incapable of saying nice things to myself. I even have to squeeze the words out just talking to my friends or even my sister for that matter.
I'm sorry I might seem cold but I find it very difficult but I'm working on it. Don't piss yourself.

It's just that....well have you ever been out with your friends and all of them seem to have guys hitting on them except for you? Even if most of them have boyfriends they aaaalways seem to be getting hit on! It's not an ego boost I tell ya!
I try to convince myself it's because of the attitude. Yep it's the attitude baby...nothing you can do about it. They have that natural come to mama look in their eyes.
I try to tell myself that, I really really really honestly do! But I'm a terrible liar. Can't even lie to me and I'm one of the easiest persons to lie too. No that's not true I'm actually very skeptical.
But the truth always comes out to me. It's staring me in the eyes like a dog watching candy...I'm telling you it follows me everywhere.
No matter where I run that truth's gonna find me!
I'm too fat. That's just it. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be skinnier! You feel me? Curves I find sexy, beautiful even (I have no problem writing it down, it's just saying it out loud! When you need me to write down curse words...then we better call Houston cause we'll have a problem!) but my curves have simply just grown too big.

That's what I have to work on....my too way to big curves. Then I might get my happy period back.

And then all my clothes are going to suit me better and my all new super sized chin will hopefully vanish into the nothingness.

God, I was looking at pictures of my self today and I finally realized how big I've gotten. Not one of my proud moments I'm sorry to say.

But I still have to get the happiness back...Being happy will help me out right?

Well adios amigos....

Bye to you all,
Sunshine and her pursuit of happiness :)

Next time I'll be all smiles and shit.

rabbit heart.

Now playing - Rabbit Heart - Florence and the Machine.

Have you ever wondered if you are not who you think you are? That you're just living in your own little world and don't even know.

Like if you are seriously mentally ill/disabled and to you everything looks normal and you look normal to yourself but really you aren't...do you know what I mean?

Sometimes I think I'm like that. Like I live in my own universe. Like I think I'm normal and all that. That the world seems normal to me but people see me like I'm retarded (I know that's a bad word but I can't help it, I might be a freak people!!...not that retarded people are freaks... oh you know what I mean!!)

Maybe I'm not making any sense. My mum says that I need to wake up and see how great I really am (but she's biased, she's my mum she's supposed to think I'm great!). So when she says I'm great I can't belive her you know. It's the same with my friends (even though they say all the right things whenever I'm having a personal dilemma which seems to be always they're biased as well). So who can you trust?

Not your parents because they're biased.

Not your friends because they just want to be nice, most are not honest even though they should be. They just don't want to hurt your feelings. Which is good in a certain way...but not good in the other way if you know what I mean.

And you can't trust yourself becuse some people don't really have a good sense of reality. What if you're one of those people (that is what I was talking about there at the top you see!)? What if you're one of those people you see on American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance...you know the people that think they can sing or think that they can dance brilliantly but then they really can't and are soooooo horrible and then they get laughed off stage and feel like they've just made a fool of themselves in front of the whole world...What if I'm like that and I really don't know?

What if I look/sound or act really stupid and get laughed at all the time and not even realise!!

How horrible is that!!!

Well I seriously do hope I'm not like that and I hope, dear reader whoever you are that you're not like that (and that you live a wonderful life but that's a whole diffrent matter).

Anyway...enough with the nonsense.

I seem to desperately need these Vagabond Wedges they're just soooooo god damn beautiful! Ahhh.

Well I know I'm not making any sense today and I'm terribly sorry about that. Maybe it's the cold.

Have a nice evening.

Love, S.

it doesn't always have to cost a fortune to look good.

A picture from Zara's spring 2010 campaign....lookin' goooooooooood!

Shows you that you don't always have to spent a fortune on clothes for them to look good!

Anyway, I keep on being my old self and eating to much.

When will it ever stop! I just get so frusterated with myself!

I'm dying to get home and sit down at my local café with a cup of coffee or tea

and a good friend to go along with it.

I miss my friends and home too much for words.

Oh well...you can't have it all can you? But it's funny how you appreciate your friends, family and your home when you're away from them! When I still lived back home I couldn't wait to get away and travel. Now I can't wait to get home.

Well I am actually really excited to go and stay with my aunt in Scotland. I've got a good feeling about that and I hope it will be great....and that's just in six days! Wohoooo!

Anyway.

Love, S.

in love.

I am soooo in love with Stella McCartney this spring!

I dream about owning the entire collection!

I also dream about owning a pair of kron by kronkron shoes!

I aaaaalso dream about this clutch by Alexander McQueen!

If only dreams would come true!

Love,S.

crazy jackets.

That fur....gorgeous! That leather jacket....pure insanity! The shoes....onelove!

I want everything in those photos! I also want one of those spotted tights that everyone seems to have these days!

P.S. would like notes on how to get skinny!

P.P.S. would like notes on how to make career choices!

P.P.P.S. I know everything is about facebook these days and I do apologise in advance but I just joined this HIlarious group! I can't stop laughing!! "I hate it when you're with MC Hammer and he doesn't let you touch anything!" hahahahaha...not? It just cracks me up.

Anyway!

Love, S.

life is life.

I just love Diane Kruger. She's always so beautiful and she has such good style! Love what she's wearing on this photo.

Anywayyy...I think I'm going to start painting. I've done it sometimes just for the heck of it and I love it, it gives you some kind of release of frustration....beats kicking something or screaming. Kind of gives you a feeling of accomplishment plus it's really relaxing and distracting.

I'm just so confused these days. Don't know what the f*** I'm doing. Can't anybody just tell me what to do with my life? Hate having to make these decisions...but where's the rush? There is no rush. Don't you just hate the phase in your life where you don't really know where you stand? You've finished college, don't quite know what you want to do in university or what you want to be when you "grow up". Shit. I just get so frustrated with myself not knowing what to do and not being able to make decisions and when I make a decision I doubt that it was the right one (but I'm lucky in the way that I really don't care...I've already done it and can't turn back) and the lack of self control and just....yarayarayara. It's not that I care that much, I know I'll get there it's just that I'm always so worried about what other people will think. What will all my friends say, what will my parents say? Well fuck it. What's meant to be will be? Or is it your life is what you make of it? I belive.....that it's what's meant to be will be. Well or a little bit of both....70/30?

I say....I'm a student in life, I'm learning as I'm going and I can't always get it right and I'm allowed to make mistakes right? RIGHT!

Well bloody hell that's enough to think about for now. I'm out.

....Scotland in 8 days! Can't wait. I've got a reaaaaaally good feeling about it.

Love,
S.

topshop 2010.

I can honestly say I want to live in Topshop this year!!!!!

Sunshine.

loved up.

Currently am loved up on Florence and the Machine. Thanks to a good friend of mine.

Am also loved up on this look (taken from Garance Doré, woops). I would so much like to pull this look off. What a perfect outfit!

Today's diet was good. Until like seven o'clock when I went a bit crazy. Shh.

Also....also love www.karlascloset.blogspot.com what a stylish young woman one might say!

My dream issssssss....

a.to be able to wear all those wonderful clothes!
b.to be able to afford all those wonderful clothes!!

Well it would be about time I took charge then and did something about it right? Well went to H&M today and bought my self a running outfit, that's a start! Now I have to start running more and oohhhhhh fuck it watch my diet...bloody hell. Oh and yes have to remember....must stop whining! Fuck.

Got a whimp of thought today! Thought about what a dream it would be if I could open up my own café/restaurant in the future. Preferably in the UK. Well a girl's gotta dream right? I've even done all the interior design in my head...even a part of the menu's ready. (almost did start hiring)
I'm just to caught up in my own world sometimes, it's a lot nicer than the real one.

blaaablablabla. (good news, finished the book and am not currently depressed wohoooo!!)

Sunny.

an alright beginning.

Okay. I'll start a blog. I wondered if that's what I needed to get my life back on track. We'll see, all in good time.

The thing is I really shouldn't have a problem with my life and sometimes I feel guilty for complaining so much. My life's pretty good. No one's dead (7-9-13), everyone's healthy (7-9-13), I've got great friends, a lovely family (I know it's bit of a cliché to say that you love your family but I genuinely do! well my mum and dad are a bit crazy at times and don't always get me but I understand that as I am hard to get but they're both lovely and my sister's my best friend).

But just for the heck of it here come the complaints.........

Well....I am very much overweight (food is my vice and i really have to fix that in order to be able to wear all the beautiful, beautiful clothes fashion has to offer!!!) I have to be healthier, I never used to be this fat (i'm not gonna tell you how much i weigh but it is a lot lot more than the chubbier side of average).

I am a biiiiiig overthinker and blow everything out proportion.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life! Well I have some ideas but are they the right ones? am I wasting my time on earth? (well cerntainly wasting time on being fat that's for sure), am I determined enough to go to university? more important am I smart enough to go to university? should I go to university at home? should I go abroad?

I don't know the slightest about money. I spend them as I get them. Mostly on clothes.

I'm almost twenty years old and practically a virgin! I've never had a boyfriend and will I ever get one or am I just one of those stupid daft cows that think they have a chance of a guy falling so deeply in love with them that he doesn't know what's up and what's down (let alone right and left) but then really am just ugly and fat and hopeless and will spend the rest of my life at home and sobbing over Marian Keyes books or hoping that I'll turn out to be lucky like Bridget Jones one day?

Well I know that twenty years old is young but so many of my friends are in relationships that seem like they're going to last forever. Sometimes I don't even know if I really do want a boyfriend, what if he just dropped dead all of a sudden one day? That would be the biggest tragedy of my life! If I loved someone like that I don't think I'd ever recover (please note that I am reading Anybody Out there by Marian Keyes where Aidan dies in a car crash but Anna survives I think I cried for almost two hours straight after I found out he was dead).

Even though sometimes I feel like that - afraid of commitment and not wanting a boyfriend. Most of the time I just really need someone to hug me and love me and think I'm the greatest girl in the world even when I'm at my lowest. (I'm also very judgemental when it comes to guys, he can hardly have any flaws, poor bloke...but it will be hard to find someone because as you now know I'm not flawless and I don't think I'll ever find anyone I like who'll like me back!!)

I'm also soooooo afraid of rejection I don't think I would ever handle being dumped. Sometimes I think of myself as a really tough bird and that nothing can touch me but I'm not like that, I get upset by everything. If my boss seems to like a colleague of mine better than me I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I need everyone to like me I'm really naive in that way - I try not to be but I just am. I'm a compulsive people pleaser. Maybe I need everyone else to like me because I don't?

Well I guess that's enough for complaining about myself...fuuuuuuuuuuuck...I have to get a grip on my diet though!!!

Will report back tomorrow how my day went in the food kind of way....maybe the emotional way as well as I am about to finish my Marian Keyes flick!

Do hope that I won't end up depressed tomorrow (that wouldn't do any good for the eating part of the day!!)

Bon nuit,
Sunshine!