an alright beginning.

Okay. I'll start a blog. I wondered if that's what I needed to get my life back on track. We'll see, all in good time.

The thing is I really shouldn't have a problem with my life and sometimes I feel guilty for complaining so much. My life's pretty good. No one's dead (7-9-13), everyone's healthy (7-9-13), I've got great friends, a lovely family (I know it's bit of a cliché to say that you love your family but I genuinely do! well my mum and dad are a bit crazy at times and don't always get me but I understand that as I am hard to get but they're both lovely and my sister's my best friend).

But just for the heck of it here come the complaints.........

Well....I am very much overweight (food is my vice and i really have to fix that in order to be able to wear all the beautiful, beautiful clothes fashion has to offer!!!) I have to be healthier, I never used to be this fat (i'm not gonna tell you how much i weigh but it is a lot lot more than the chubbier side of average).

I am a biiiiiig overthinker and blow everything out proportion.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life! Well I have some ideas but are they the right ones? am I wasting my time on earth? (well cerntainly wasting time on being fat that's for sure), am I determined enough to go to university? more important am I smart enough to go to university? should I go to university at home? should I go abroad?

I don't know the slightest about money. I spend them as I get them. Mostly on clothes.

I'm almost twenty years old and practically a virgin! I've never had a boyfriend and will I ever get one or am I just one of those stupid daft cows that think they have a chance of a guy falling so deeply in love with them that he doesn't know what's up and what's down (let alone right and left) but then really am just ugly and fat and hopeless and will spend the rest of my life at home and sobbing over Marian Keyes books or hoping that I'll turn out to be lucky like Bridget Jones one day?

Well I know that twenty years old is young but so many of my friends are in relationships that seem like they're going to last forever. Sometimes I don't even know if I really do want a boyfriend, what if he just dropped dead all of a sudden one day? That would be the biggest tragedy of my life! If I loved someone like that I don't think I'd ever recover (please note that I am reading Anybody Out there by Marian Keyes where Aidan dies in a car crash but Anna survives I think I cried for almost two hours straight after I found out he was dead).

Even though sometimes I feel like that - afraid of commitment and not wanting a boyfriend. Most of the time I just really need someone to hug me and love me and think I'm the greatest girl in the world even when I'm at my lowest. (I'm also very judgemental when it comes to guys, he can hardly have any flaws, poor bloke...but it will be hard to find someone because as you now know I'm not flawless and I don't think I'll ever find anyone I like who'll like me back!!)

I'm also soooooo afraid of rejection I don't think I would ever handle being dumped. Sometimes I think of myself as a really tough bird and that nothing can touch me but I'm not like that, I get upset by everything. If my boss seems to like a colleague of mine better than me I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I need everyone to like me I'm really naive in that way - I try not to be but I just am. I'm a compulsive people pleaser. Maybe I need everyone else to like me because I don't?

Well I guess that's enough for complaining about myself...fuuuuuuuuuuuck...I have to get a grip on my diet though!!!

Will report back tomorrow how my day went in the food kind of way....maybe the emotional way as well as I am about to finish my Marian Keyes flick!

Do hope that I won't end up depressed tomorrow (that wouldn't do any good for the eating part of the day!!)

Bon nuit,
Sunshine!