I'm in such a deep funk right now, it should be illegal.
I should have a Masters Degree in self pitying and self loathing by now.
God, why wasn't I born with any self esteem. Are you born with any or is it something that's raised in you or is it something you just earn and build up as you go in life?
Up until yesterday my happy period had been going great. Smiles, laughter, rainbows, flowers, glitter, hearts and unicorns.......all over the place I could've drowned in happy stuff. Everything happy...you could've found by just looking at me. No drugs entered my lips(they never do mind you)...or my nose or just anything for that matter, swear to God and cross my heart.
How do we manage making life so difficult for ourselves?
I'm thinking about making a plan....no I'm not talking about one of those plans where you write nice things on post its and put them up all over your walls.
I won't make me look myself in the mirror every morning and say I'm beautiful out loud! Oh, God no! It might work for some people...but it won't work for me...I'm incapable of saying nice things to myself. I even have to squeeze the words out just talking to my friends or even my sister for that matter.
I'm sorry I might seem cold but I find it very difficult but I'm working on it. Don't piss yourself.
It's just that....well have you ever been out with your friends and all of them seem to have guys hitting on them except for you? Even if most of them have boyfriends they aaaalways seem to be getting hit on! It's not an ego boost I tell ya!
I try to convince myself it's because of the attitude. Yep it's the attitude baby...nothing you can do about it. They have that natural come to mama look in their eyes.
I try to tell myself that, I really really really honestly do! But I'm a terrible liar. Can't even lie to me and I'm one of the easiest persons to lie too. No that's not true I'm actually very skeptical.
But the truth always comes out to me. It's staring me in the eyes like a dog watching candy...I'm telling you it follows me everywhere.
No matter where I run that truth's gonna find me!
I'm too fat. That's just it. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be skinnier! You feel me? Curves I find sexy, beautiful even (I have no problem writing it down, it's just saying it out loud! When you need me to write down curse words...then we better call Houston cause we'll have a problem!) but my curves have simply just grown too big.
That's what I have to work on....my too way to big curves. Then I might get my happy period back.
And then all my clothes are going to suit me better and my all new super sized chin will hopefully vanish into the nothingness.
God, I was looking at pictures of my self today and I finally realized how big I've gotten. Not one of my proud moments I'm sorry to say.
But I still have to get the happiness back...Being happy will help me out right?
Well adios amigos....
Bye to you all,
Sunshine and her pursuit of happiness :)
Next time I'll be all smiles and shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment